I'm Just Not Where I'm Supposed To Be..........

"I'm just not where I am supposed to be at this time of my life...."

Does this sound remotely familiar? 

I know it sounds familiar to me........Sometimes, we think that we can just plan out our entire life... and although there is some truth to that....the truth is... that is hard to do....Because stuff happens. You may experience a small setback or something can happen which can change your whole perception of what you want for your future. Sometimes I look at my life and I shake my head because in all honesty, this isn't what I expected my life to be like at this age. I honestly thought my life would have been............how do I say this..............Way better than it is today......lol. 

I envisioned a life of glamor and success that was monumental for anyone in my age group. I envisioned being successful in my business life but in my personal life as well... At this age I was supposed to have it all, but the truth is....the awful realistically speaking truth.....is..... that I don't have it all... I have some of it though...But not all of it....

And that simple fact that I do not have ALL of what I wanted eats away at me. And that little voice in my head constantly reminds me of the simple fact that "I'm just not where I am supposed to be at this time of my life...."

But is this voice even right? When I was created was there a specific destination that I was supposed to be at a certain stage of my life? At 5 years old was I supposed to be the little kid in the play-yard who knew how to do cartwheels before anyone else? At 16 was I supposed to be the most popular kid in school? At 20 was I supposed to find my soul-mate and prepare to settle down for the rest of my life?

Truth is..... when it comes to life there is no set age at which you are supposed to do anything. Sure there are goals and other things you need to accomplish, but if you do not accomplish them at a certain age...that doesn't mean that they are no longer obtainable. 

Many times we place a timeline on the important things in life. We say things such as "If I don't find love by age 24 I will be alone forever."...... We say such things as, "I am too old to learn a new skill.....that was something I was supposed to do in my younger years."....  

We say so many things.....and what is really sad is that we constantly feed this to our own minds and eventually.........we believe it........We believe that certain things cannot be obtained because it has reached its expiration date. We give up on what we truly want because it seems that the time in which we were supposed to do it has long passed.....We eventually hold ourselves back.......

At the end of the day, you are not supposed to be anywhere....You have to WANT to be at a certain place in your life in order to obtain it. When you want something you will invest your time, money, or whatever need-be in order to obtain it. "I'm just not where I WANTED to be at this time of my life"..............This is the truth....but you know what... I'm not too old to give up. I can still obtain EVERYTHING that I ever wanted..........My dreams can still become a reality... I just have to try harder...Sure time may not be on my side....but at least I have time, and so do you!!!

So stop believing that your time has passed when it comes to certain aspects of your life. You are the conductor of your life!! Sure you may come across some unruly weather along the way, but you gotta keep moving forward. You may not be where you want to be today....but it can happen. After all, progress is never made if you are unwilling to take a step forward!!!

Have a good day everyone!!!

-Monica Renata

What Are We Fighting For?

Seesawing on an issue
Thoughts traveling with the wind
At a fork in the neverending road
Constantly straddling the fence

On one side of the battle field
The opponent lies
In the eyes of my enemy
I see what resides inside

A fierce warrior each claim to be
One who fights for truth
But deep inside the mind
Each know they decline the truth

Truth be told I shouldn't be fighting
Because I don't know what is right
My indecisiveness makes me weary
It makes me doubt this entire fight

The world is full of fighting
But what are we fighting for?
Seesawing on issues
Stuck at a fork in the road
Constantly straddling the fence
Thoughts are traveling with the wind
But do we know the issue at hand
Before the battle begins? 

Happy Holidays

It is the season of giving.....
The most wonderful time of the year....

This is the time of year that parents are racing frantically in crowded stores to buy their little ones gifts. This is the time of year when some people go into financial ruin, just so that others can be "happy" to receive a gift. This is THAT time of year........

Too many times we forget the true reason for the season. We have replaced the true meaning of this holiday with many materialistic things. Many do not think of giving to others, but yet they are ever so grateful to receive...but why? 

I honestly believe that the only true time people understand what this season is all about is when we are small children and then when we reach the age of our grandparents. I remember as a kid being excited about getting a three coloring books with the 48 box of RoseArt crayons. I was so happy with this...but then... as I got older...I wanted more stuff...And this stuff happened to be video games, shoes, and all other types of materialistic things. As I got older I no longer looked forward to the family members being all in one house.... I just wanted to run to the tree and claim anything that had my name on it....

It was the season of giving but I didn't want to give.... I only wanted to receive...And you know what, I notice that many people are like that. They are so wrapped up in the materialistic aspect of the holiday season that they don't appreciate the small things.

You living to see another year....
Your health.......
Your family and their health...
The smile on others face just because you are there............


Yeah..... it is very nice to get gifts..But that isn't the only reason for the season........Take time to give..........Volunteer in your community. There are so many people who have no one this holiday season. There are some who are down on their luck and any little bit of help would be a blessing. Interact with your long lost family who you may come in contact with. Be kind  to a stranger.....anything!!!!!

You would be surprised how the smallest gesture could mean so much to someone else. But anyways, Happy Holidays everyone! And remember that Sometimes the best gifts can not be bought! :)

-Monica Renata

Memory Walls

A memory placed deep in my mind

So deep that it can't be reached

A memory that is embedded inside

A memory of which my mouth won't speak

To reveal it would cause so much pain

But for me it would cause release

A memory that replays over and over in my mind

A memory I hope no one seeks

Sometimes opening up and being honest

Is the hardest part....

You have so much to tell someone

But in that moment you are lost....

What are you to do when you want to speak

But fear is preventing you from doing so?

Why can't you stop thinking about this memory

Which happened so long ago?

A memory placed deep in my mind

So deep that it can't be reached

I want to tell the truth this time

But there is so much fear inside of me

What's the point of saying something

Or even bringing it up? 

For it is a memory in my head

That I have lived enough

But slowly it is taking over

And I adjust my life accordingly

For fear of revealing this memory

Makes me unable to see

See the true wonders in life

See the true world around me

But this memory will stay deep in my mind

While it dictates my life to me

"Don't let one situation dictate how your entire life will be......" -Monica Renata

The Giving Tree

From the ground it sprouted
Despite the lack of the sun
Strong and yet beautiful
The victory of life it had won

Leaves occupy the branches
And soon comes fruit
This tree just keep on giving
But was only nurtured at its roots

Soon others only reap their benefits
Of coming in contact with the tree
They pick each and every fruit
And then attack the leaves

And how baron this tree looks
The beauty has now left
But soon it will heal itself up
And start to give again

To give and not be appreciated
To have tears that others will never see
For the creation of life is a beautiful thing
That so many of us want to keep

The products of the struggle
The tree will never see
For it will give to the takers
And remain the giving tree

"Sometimes in life we only care about ourselves.... We constantly take from others but do not offer a hand to help anyone else in need. If hands are never extended to help others, then more individuals will not reach their hands out to others. In order to make sure kindness continues to exist in this world, you  have to be willing to be kind yourself... Give a little bit... and in the end it will be so worth it.... " -Monica Renata

Bye Love

I knew you couldn't take it anymore
And the blame was all on me
I knew that you were unwanted and unwelcome....
Therefore, I took everything into my hands
I made the decision to do it
To do what was wanted
In the midst of my tears I thought about it
I thought about all the tears that can be saved
I thought about all of the hardship that could be diverted
I mean.... I knew you would be able to feel the tension
So why hurt you?
Why let you even go through it all?

As I sat in silence for two straight days
I contemplated over and over the different choices I could have made
I could have let you remain intact....but....that would be a problem
That would be something that others did not want..
So I made the hardest decision that I have ever made..
I decided to let you go...
I decided to go against how I truly felt
And I got rid of you
Each trickle of blood that trickled down my flesh when I ripped you from within stabbed my soul
A deep emotional hurt that I never knew existed
But I told myself... This.... will....pass
And you know what it didn't

Instead of throwing you away forever
I decided to lock you away
I mean you were a part of me that I hope to never forget
But..I should for the sake of my sanity....

To know that you grew from constant eruptions of love make you so special..
But to know that the removal of that love was the determining factor of your future presence sickens me

I loved you
But others didn't
I cared about you
but others didn't
I really wanted to try to make things work......
But no one else wanted to..

I just couldn't hurt you
I just couldn't do it...
You deserve so much more
I didn't want to see you emotionally crumble
But I wanted you...but others wanted so much more
So in that little box 
You will always be
I have to take care of things first
Before you can start to beat

But know that I care
And it was hard for me
But I have to protect my heart
So in this box you will always be

Gentle My Darling

Please be gentle my darling
Do not run away
For I care for you so very much
I just don't know what to say

Please be gentle my darling
I don't want to make you frown
For I care about your happiness
I just don't know how....

How to show you how I really feel
It's like I just freeze
I have so much love in my heart
So much love that will never leave
But when I open to speak to you
My words get all messed up
And then I become a mute to the world
My heart's emotions are trapped

Please be gentle my darling
I care about you too
But sometimes the hardest thing to admit
Is my love for you

Best Part of My Day

Awakening from slumber
At the sound of the alarm
Preparing for the day ahead
I know it will be long
I take a shower then I brush my teeth
And then put on my clothes
I sigh, then make a  crazy face
I know today will be long

Constant repetitive tasks
I complete at work each day
Disagreements amongst co-workers
Crazy drivers on the street
The world is such a crazy place
I wish to not go it alone
I complete my tasks and as the day ends
I yearn to be home

The world is such a crazy place
I wish to not go it alone
To race back home and wait for you
Even though I hate to be alone
Just to see you walk through the door
brings a smile upon my face
I love waking up each morning
But I swear you are the best part of my day

The Weight

Progress...
We all want to make progress in life..
We want to move forward and accomplish the things that we have dreamed about....

If you have a goal, you can accomplish it. All goals are alike. Whether they are big or small they all start with that first step. You have to be willing to take a leap of faith and go against your fears and take the first step in accomplishing your goal. That is the only way you can make progress. And continually making progress can deem a lifetime of results.

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The Weight

Skeleton is overwhelmed

Body filled with fat

Can't blame anyone

For motivation that is lacked

Food is plentiful in the land

Yet you choose what you eat

Sure fast food is available

And veggies are not cheap

Make a conscious effort

try to increase your life

Release all of your frustrations

Get some exercise

Those burgers and those milkshakes

Won't completely go away

So lay off of them for a couple of months

Learn how to moderate

Skeleton was overwhelmed

Body filled with fat

I didn't blame anyone 

For the motivation that I lacked

Food is all around

Yet I have to decide what I will eat

I will try to eat some healthy meals

Even though burgers are so cheap

I have to make a conscious effort

To continually increase my quality of life

I blow off steam daily

simply by getting some exercise

Those burgers and those milkshakes

Did not go away

I laid off of them for a couple of months

And carefully watched what I ate

Progress didn't started immediately

but it started with the choices I would make

Sure I didn't see results quickly

But after months the weight started to melt away

Be persistent and you will reach you goal

Be consistent you will keep it

You can do anything that you want to do

If in your heart you believe it

TKO

The crowd is cheering on fiercely
Sweat is dripping down my neck
I am sitting in the corner
Knowing soon I have to go back

They throw me a bottle of water
And also a small towel too
"Are you ready kid?"
They ask me
And to smile is all I can do

My opponent is so ready
I can see the smirk on their face
They want to bring me down to the ground
My courage they want to break

I am sitting in the corner
Knowing soon I have to go back
I finally come to my feet
I finally prepared for what comes next

Their punches weight down on me
The only thing I'm hitting is air
My coach is screaming loud for me
But I can't see anyone there

The crowd is yelling for my demise
Strength I no longer have left
I take another hit
then fall to the ground
The fight in me has left

"Get up! Get up! Get up!"
They say
Now the crowd is cheering profusely
So I think I have them on my side
And I find the strength to rise up smoothly

But as I'm finally up to my feet
I hear the cheers go away
They are now screaming for my opponent again
"Finish him!"
I heard someone say

And in that moment I lost all hope
Cause it seemed like no one was for me
And the next punch that was delivered was like lighting
That struck me down like a tree

And in that moment the cheers finally stopped
No one was cheering for me
I lay there on the cold hard ground
While someone counted to 3

Why did I let my strength come from those I didn't know?
Why didn't I at least believe in myself whenever I first hit the floor?
The world can try to break you down
And there will be countless times you fall to the floor
Don't let life beat you up so bad
You really need to wake up and see
That you have the strength to do anything in life
So don't let life beat you up so bad
Unless you want to be TKO'ed like me


"No matter how hard life knocks you down you have to be strong enough to get back up. " -Monica Renata

Education: Have you been Enlightened Today?

ed·u·ca·tion

ˌejəˈkāSHən/

noun

noun: education; noun: an education

1. 1.

   the process of receiving or giving systematic instruction, esp. at a school or university.

   "a new system of public education"

   • the theory and practice of teaching.

     "colleges of education"
   • a body of knowledge acquired while being educated.

     plural noun: educations

     "his education is encyclopedic and eclectic"
   • information about or training in a particular field or subject.

     "health education"
2. 2.

   an enlightening experience.

   "a day with those kids was an education in patience and forbearance"

----------------------------------------------------------

"An education can open many doors!"

"You have to go to school and make good grades, then go to college and get a degree!"

"Your education is important to your future!"

"Your degree will show that you are educated!"

All  my life I have heard one or other statements. I have been taught at a young age that education will be the determining factor of my future success or my ultimate demise. I have been trained to recognize that without an education my capability to function in corporate America would be completely nonexistent. And if I cannot function in that world, I would end up being one of those people who live one penny away from financial ruin.......That's what they told me anyways.

I remember times when I was in high school crying my eyes out because I just didn't understand how to work a math problem. The fear of failing a test was greater than my fear of death. I couldn't be a failure. I had to prove to others that I could be successful, and in order to be successful I had to obtain an education....

Day and night I studied.................Countless hours of sleep were lost because I wanted things to be perfect. Every book that I owned for school purposes was in my backpack....It felt like I was carrying a boulder on my back, but this was the sacrifice I had to make in order to be educated, right?

My whole life, I thought being educated was defined by a piece of paper that you walk across a stage to obtain. I worked my ass off! Dedicated so much time and also gave up so much of my social life just to obtain a piece of paper.....Just so I can be deemed "educated".......But was I really?

I have learned nothing from classroom instructions..... It has been the experiences that have made me into the educated person that I am today. I learned by actions, not by words which were typed in a textbook that was dated back a few years back. I learned by working with others who were in a field in which I wanted to pursue. I learned by engaging in activities with them... I learned by talking to them..... I have been educated by the world.

Too many times, we force children to go to colleges for the simple fact is that we define a college degree as being the means to obtain the status of "educated" but that is WRONG. There are other means to obtain a skill or an experience which will help you excel in life. Too many times we cut down young children and tell them such things as "You are not college material". Do you know what that means to them? That is the equivalent of telling them that they can never be an educated individual because they lack the ability to be a possible college graduate. Everyone wasn't meant to go to college, everyone wasn't meant to be a chef, everyone wasn't meant to be a construction worker, but EVERYONE has the capability of being educated despite their occupation.

We need to change the way we explain education to our kids. There are so many who believe that education, by  means of a college degree, is the only way to have a happy life. And that just isn't true.

It is so much pressure on a young child who believes this....
Imagine a young child who wakes up and studies and then goes to bed and studies every single night because they are afraid to make a B on an exam.......
Imagine someone who misses out on school dances their senior year because they are feverishly trying to apply to ever single college that they think will accept them because they are afraid of not being excepted it into a good school..............
Image someone who takes their own life just because they failed a college class.......

This is what happens when we don't tell people the truth about education........So.......... I guess what I am trying to say is....... Educate yourself........ let the world be your teacher! There are different ways of learning. College is one place, but not the only place.........

Life is supposed to be an enlightening experience.  Have you been enlightened today?

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en·light·en

enˈlītn/

verb

gerund or present participle: enlightening

1.

give (someone) greater knowledge and understanding about a subject or situation.

"Christopher had not enlightened Frances as to their relationship"

Holding in Truths

What is the difference between a truth and a lie?
Do you know?

Many of us define the truth as a fact and a lie as a false statement but is that so? At times I am afraid to tell the truth so I withhold it, but does that make me a liar?

truth

tro͞oTH/

noun

noun: truth

1.

the quality or state of being true.

"he had to accept the truth of her accusation"

The definition of the word truth.........It is so hard to decode this because at the end of the day were you being true? Am I being true when I keep something to myself because I do not want to hurt someone or bother them about a certain topic?

I keep the truth to myself yet I do not lie about it or make up some extravagant story to cover it up. I just keep it between me, myself, and I..... I mean many of us do this. We hold stuff in, but does that make us a liar?

li·ar

ˈlīər/

noun

noun: liar; plural noun: liars

1.

a person who tells lies.

A liar is a person who tells lies......but I am not telling anything. I am remaining silent in hopes that I am never questioned about the topic. For if I am questioned, then I will reveal the truth....but I'm not questioned... no one even asks me..... so I just hold it in.

-----------------------

Holding stuff in does not make me a liar though. For the longest time, I thought it did. I felt that each time I was holding in some of my emotions I was lying to the world. But the thing is, you are not lying to the world if you aren't revealing or speaking a thing. If you think about it, the only person you are truly lying to is yourself. When we keep certain things inside we really aren't comfortable with our true selves. We think we are strong, but are we really? I can recall many conversations when people wanted to talk about my  viewpoints on family and I just decided not to comment. I didn't lie to them, but I just wasn't comfortable with my views. I was afraid of being criticized and ridiculed, therefore, I saved myself the social shame that I thought I would have encountered. I repressed all of my opinions and didn't reveal any. It's crazy because in moments like that, you feel the words at the back of your throat but you are too afraid to speak. And the pressure of holding in the truth is building up inside of  you like water in a tank and you are about to burst but you are just afraid to say how you really feel.... You keep your truth inside....after all....it isn't hurting anyone....right?

Holding in the truth isn't a bad thing.... It doesn't make you a liar either....but sometimes your truth can help someone who is in the same situation as you....

There are women in the world who pretend like their home life is going great but each day they are verbally abused by their spouse but they keep in this truth and respond with "Everything is fine" when they are questioned about their relationships.

There are little kids who are being bullied at school but they never tell their families because they don't want their dad to think they are "soft" because boys are supposed to be strong

There are people going through storms that seem to never end in life.........and they don't say a word......but that doesn't make them a liar.....

Sometimes people are more understanding than you think..... and sometimes when you reveal your truths you can actually help someone else out. What we keep in the most is our flaws, we don't reveal our downfalls to others....but those downfalls can help others.

The image you give from the outside can not reflect all that you have been through. Sure someone seems successful now, but just by looking at them you can never truly tell what they have been through. That strong man at the gym may have been bullied so much as a kid to the point where it brought tears to his eyes everyday, but a kid will look at him and think that nothing like that could have ever happened in his lifetime. And at the end of the day, that guy may not want to reveal that either....but if he did he could help that kid so much.... .Your truths may be painful for yuo to acknowledge or openly speak about at times....but they could help someone else.....

Just a thought though....

Signing Off
Monica Renata

Things that Make Me Smile

A long hug on a winter day
A stranger asking "How are you?"
A gentle tug on my hair
A bottle of sweet perfume

My favorite song on the radio
A karaoke session with friends
Dancing in my PJs
Reading about the latest trends

Things that make me smile
Things that make me beam with joy
Like finding pictures from years ago
Or finding my favorite toy

Reading old messages
Smiling with my friends
Writing about all I have seen
I think it is life that makes me happy
and I will smile until the end

Candy Coated

The complete sound of nothingness
The nothingness your lips speak
An invisible cloud in the sky
That drenches me with rain as I sleep

To believe
Or not to
I question this everyday
Until the sounds of your nothingness
Quickly fades away

Confectioners sugar floating around
Your lies... they seem so sweet
Floating around in this room
Allowing me not to see

Oh indeed how sweet it is
To think that I believe your lies
You candy coat all the truths
And believe that my sweet tooth won't make me question why

The complete sound of nothingness
There is no truth to what you speak
I know this very well
Some nights I cry myself to sleep
Oh how sweet it is to tell a lie
When you think I won't know the truth
Your candy coated deceit
Is only sweet to you


"Don't sugarcoat the truth........It isn't as sweet as you may think." -Monica Renata

Keep Hoping

Hope -

noun

noun: hope; plural noun: hopes

1.

a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

"he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information"

Hope.........Don't give up hope..........
We always seem to tell this to others, but what does this really mean? After all, you can't tell someone not to give up hope, when you know not what they went through in order to feel that all that hope that they once had is now gone...I had a desire for something to happen, I dreamt about it day and night, for days, months, even years... and here I am...still hoping......but why?

Each ounce of hope is quickly diminished by disappointments, yet I try to keep it alive but it is hard. It is so hard to see things that you want so desperately continually fall apart in your face. Yes, you wanted this so much...you may have felt as if you deserved it... you hoped for it....but in the end you never got it.

It's crazy how you can have a dream........work towards your dream.....and then watch someone murder that dream....and  yet, they are usually the one who says "Don't give up hope!"....You want me to not give up but every single time that I am working so hard to achieve what I so desire you constantly tear me down with your negativity, you disappoint me with your actions, and then I become a shell of who I truly am....and I feel like.... there is no hope....it won't happen for me... it just won't.

When all is lost... Should you give up hope?............


The answer is NO. We all have desires in life! We all want certain things to happen, and truth be told THEY CAN HAPPEN. Sometimes we let the negativity of others hold us back. But why? Who are they to tell us that  we can not do something? Who are they to tell us that we are not good enough? Who are they to tell us that we want too much? People always want to talk, but why let their talking determine your decisions in life? If you want something GO GET IT! If you decide to give up on it make sure that this was a choice that you solely made! Give up when you wanted to give up, not when something told you that you can't do it.

This morning, I woke up feeling defeated. I felt like everything I ever wanted would just slip through my fingers as it has in the past. And then when I felt that way I was slammed down by more disappointment... and in that instant I put my head down and I slowly said to myself  "I give up...What's the point of hoping for something that will never be?"..... I sat for about ten minutes and in that moment of solidarity I felt as if it was me against the world... I felt like there was no hope in hoping because ..... I mean... what's the point???..........

What is the freakin point!!!???

Well.... the point of it all is.... I want it......And if I truly want something I should not give up on it! Mama didn't raise a quitter!!!! I know that I am rambling on and stuff....but I just want you to know that sure sometimes it seems like all hope is lost...but at the end of the day hope is only lost if you allow it to be lost. Never give up on something you truly want! You will live to regret it. And when I am 85 sitting on my front porch I do not want to regret a thing about my life!

So keep hoping!!!!!! I know I will! :)

Have a great day!!!!

December is So Cold

Beautiful summer days
That delightful day in June
When two friends met each other
And in their hearts they both made more room

In July as the heat climbed
So did their emotions inside
It was hard to hide the emotions of the heart
It was hard to even deny

Weeks past by
Nights then days
And in August we both sit
Wondering what else will happen after we had our first kiss

September things intensified
We no longer did what was right
Emotions got the best of me
And in October I was out of sight

The coldness of the seasons as November moved in soon
My heart ended up hurting less
It was frozen from the cold
But as the time continued on
It still tried to thaw
But that cold December wind
Won't let my heart move forward

Speckle

I have a cat named Speckle
She has a lot of spots
She rolls around on her belly
She really eats a lot

I have a cat named Speckle
She claws everything she sees
My mom wants to get rid of her
But I want her to never leave

I have a cat named Speckle
She does so many things
She sits around the house
For she knows she is the queen

Too lazy to catch the mouse in the house
She just eats and sleeps a lot
I have a cat named Speckle
That I adore so much!

Extraordinary

I wish to be extraordinary
Like no one was before
I wish to fly higher than an eagle
I wish that in life I will soar

I wish to be unique
Like a rainbow on an uncommon day
In the mist of a fierce hurricane
The fruit on the tree that shall stay

I can only be me
And that's what I plan to do
I can't be anyone else in life
I can't even be you
I have to stand firm in my beliefs
And not drift like a feather on the win
I wish to be extraordinary
And with me that is where I shall begin

"If you wish to be something great start working on being true to yourself!!"  -Monica Renata

No More

And at that very moment
I felt completely out of breath
My heart was racing fiercely
And my shirt was drenched with sweat
I had a thirst that was so profound
Yet not even a drop of water to drink
A raging inferno burned inside
My flesh grew redder
And then balance left my feet

In my mind I can feel myself twirling
In an endless funnel cloud
My eyes are red and burning
My teeth firmly biting down
I have so much to say
Yet I cannot even speak
I'm bursting from the insides
With anger from your deceit

Your words have really touched me
And this time they touched me to my soul
I'm quivering in the corner....
I can't do this any more......
I want to stay and talk things out
But my emotions are taking over me
I have to walk away from this
I have to start taking care of me

Tears are building up
Water sprouts that I refuse to turn on
I can't let this get the best of me
I have to just move on

Burning with so much emotion
Like a fire of the utmost degree
The unbreakable has finally broken

I let this get the best of me...

The fake smile is there no more
I'm halfway out the door
And inside my head I keep telling myself
I just can't do this anymore

My Works!!!

The Awkward Butterfly

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Keyword: Love

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The Awkward Butterfly by Monica Renata http://www.amazon.com/dp/1492343781/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_TO-Nsb10ASW7X

Growing Up

Bills, Bills, Bills!
I pay them every day.....
And as soon as I get my next check
There are even more bills I have to pay!!!

It seems like everything costs these days
Water
Air
And the lights
I don't think I will ever get a break
This just isn't right!!

For many years I thought this would be different
I couldn't wait to be
Be an adult for once in my life
Do what my parents never allowed me
But man, I didn't expect this!!
It's something new everyday!!

Today I have to buy tires for my car
And also get an oil change

The fancy clothes I always wanted
Cost so much in the store
I wish  mommy and daddy were here
I'm kinda feeling poor

Everything I want
Are now my actual needs
Because things cost so much in life
That I no longer want for needless things

Bills, Bills, Bills....
That's all I seem to pay...
I guess being an adult
Isn't always great!

Officially Official

I'm Officially Official!

Can't you tell by the look of my shoes? 

Or how my stance is firm

Or how I do what I choose? 

I'm officially official!

You can tell by my crease

That is ironed in my pant leg

That's confidence that does not speak!

I'm officially official

I always take care of mines

Money is a priority

My business has to thrive

I worked hard for all of this

And so many doubted me

But I'm officially official today

I'm the businessman I always wanted to be!

Dancing Teardrops

My heart started pounding fiercely

And then you danced on my cheek

Accompanied by your friends

You then formed a stream

And how I tried to capture you all

Within the palms of my hands

But instead you seeped right through

And made a stain on my pants

A part of me is now missing

A part that few even know

For I have finally shed those tears

That I held in so long

The Lion's Nose

I stand on the nose of the lion

Who stretches his mouth out to roar

And as I stand here confidently

I honestly fear no more

For what is the use of being afraid

When my fear is what surrounds me?

For I shall stare into the eyes of this culprit

While his belly waits for him to eat

"Sometimes there is no use in being afraid...Look fear in the face and defy it!!!." -Monica Renata

What was I supposed to do?

I was young
What was I supposed to do?
I was learning about math
And simply tying my shoes
When out of no where
I'm approached by a group of three
And I said hello
But then one punched me
And in that instant, I was hurt and afraid
And my mind was still in a constant daze
But what am I to do?
So on the ground is where I stayed
And then they just walked away

They promised they would come the next day
And that promise they kept the very next day

What was I supposed to do?
I was just so dumb and still young too
I let them approach me again and the damage was done
I knew to brace myself for another punch
However, this time they decided to speak
And each word they spoke
Really cut me deep

"You are so ugly!"
"You are nothing at all!"
"Why do you exist!?"
The insults went on

And emotionally broken
I was scared to speak
But what am I to do?
I need to say something
But I'm just a geek
So in that place is where I stayed
And then they just walked away
and I knew they would come back another day....
Because they always come back the very next day..........

Each day I come home
I just try to smile
I can't let you know
Everything that goes down
I get on the Internet
and all I see
Are pictures and statuses written about me
I can't escape this torment!
I can't have my life!
And then I wonder if this is my punishment for all that I didn't do right....
I'm bullied by my peers
They won't let me be
Be anyone at all..
I'm scared to be me....

Nothing I do can ever be right
Each day I am preparing for another fight
I can't shed a tear because one tear will equal more
I can't wait til the weekend!
I can't take any more!

What was I supposed to do?
I was walking out of class and then I heard BOOM!
And on the floor I was down on my knees
Yes, they tripped me, but I pretended I tripped on my own feet
My current life is my personal hell
And soon in the background I hear the bell
I can't wait to spend my weekend at home!
Where no one can taunt me because I'm all alone....

What was I supposed to do?
The bullying continued even after I left school
They passed pictures around
And called me names
Social media really drives me insane
I can't escape this
What am I supposed to do?
I can't tell you what is going on in and out of school
It's just too much!
They won't let me be!
I can't be who I am!
They won't accept me for me!!
Maybe this is my punishment
For all the wrongs in my life
For bothering dad....
For messing up my new bike...
Maybe I wasn't meant to be happy
Maybe I'm not supposed to be in this life
I just don't understand why?

I'm so sorry Mom....
For what I'm about to do.....
But what was I supposed to do??....................


For more information about Bullying please check out the following link: Bullying Statistics

Don't Cry for Me

Please do not cry for me

For I am still there even though you can't see

The tears your eyes try to release

So filled with the agony of the loss of me

I see it all

But this is meant to be

I have lived my life

So let me sleep

But forever let me be a memory in your head

For alive I will be

Even though my body is dead

December

The first snow fell on a December day

Right on a tree branch where it decided to stay

Then soon snow fell more and more

The branch snapped

And the snow then fell to the floor

The icy breeze I feel all around

The numbness in my hands

My rigid smile

Lovely in so many ways

This beautiful December day

Be Thankful

In life we would like to have many things
The fancy cars
The diamond rings
We want want want
And then want more
We get so much stuff
That our house can't fit any more

But in the end
Do you have a masterpiece?
Did you put together what you truly wanted
piece by piece?
You probably have a lot
But it still isn't right
And yet you think of what you want
Each and every night

In life we want many things
Such materialistic people
We sometimes be
We want, want, want
But forget what we need
We forget about kindness
And good deeds
We don't appreciate
That we already have what we need

So stop....
Think about the many things you have..
Be thankful for many things
Stop worrying about the minor things
For the true wonders in life can't be bought with cash

Be thankful for the air you currently breathe
For today someone didn't wake this morning you see
Be thankful for twinkles in your children's eyes
Be thankful that today those eyes will not cry
Be thankful for being the shoes on your feet
They might not be the ones you wanted
But they are yours to keep
Be thankful for the clothes on your back
Because sometimes clothes are what others lack
Be thankful
Be thankful
Be thankful indeed
For you may be something others wish they could be
Be thankful for all the good in your life
Be thankful that today you're alive


In life we would like to have many things
The fancy cars
The diamond rings
We want want want
And then want more
We get so much stuff
That our house can't fit any more
But our houses are already filled...but we can't see
Cause we can't see what we truly needed
Be thankful that your house is filled with love
Be thankful that today is a day you are alive to see...
Be thankful

Fill my cup with Coffee

Can you fill my cup with coffee?
Such a warm and delicious brew
Intoxicated by the aroma
And so fulfilling too

Can you fill my cup with coffee?
I want my cup to be filled to the rim
I want the heat to touch my nose
My soul it shall soothe from within

Filling me up
Filling me up
With happiness in my life
Can you fill my cup with coffee?
For I am happy when you are by  my side

Breakdown

So much on my plate right now
And I don't know what to do!!!
And every time I turn around
They are giving me more food!!

I'm hungry but I can not eat
Instead I want to scream right now
I'm standing in a traffic filled street
I'm about to have a breakdown

Stresses of life have been piling up
I swear that they touch the sky!!
And it seems like the only solution
Would be to curl up and die

I'm overwhelmed by so many situations
I have so much to say but I can't speak
I feel like I'm standing in the middle
Of thousands of school kids at P.E.

I want to talk to someone
But that someone isn't here
And quite frankly I honestly believe
That they wouldn't want to hear it

I pulling out my hair
Strand by Strand
And I watch each strand hit the ground
My life use to be up, Up, UP
But now it's looking down

Swirling endlessly
Loop by Loop
Going down, Down, DOWN
I can't even hold on to anything to avoid falling
My face is a constant frown
And I'm afraid to voice the words
That I am so scared to speak
But the stresses of life have taken their toll
And have finally gotten to me

Decisions... Just Thoughts

Decisions....
We all make them...whether they are right or wrong it is inevitably our choice.
You decide what will happen in your life!
You decide where you will go!

Sometimes, we think the world is against us. And we also believe that everything that has happened to us is "not our fault" but in actuality if you had the ability to decide then and there if you would go through with something then ....the consequences which you face are your fault. It's all on you... You made this bed... so there you shall lie.

Nobody's perfect. We all make bad choices at times. Some of those bad choices end up haunting us each and every day. It is so great a burden on the mind that you are constantly in a battle with yourself....but hey, you did it to yourself, right?

Get Over It

Trapped on an island
Yet somewhat close to land
I hold my breathe tightly
For I wish to no longer be there
I can see land
But it is not close enough to reach
I am on this island
In the middle of the sea

This has really got me down
I'm feeling kind of alone
I start to chop the trees around
For this place is no longer home
And I want to reach that land ahead
That land that I can see
But even though it is close
It is not close enough to reach

In  my sorrows I feel overwhelmed
At times I cannot sleep
I start to put these logs together
And throw them in the sea
And the land that seemed so far away
Gets closer each time
I want to leave this island
For this is my time to shine

As the logs start collecting
They finally create a bridge
And I am marveled by my accomplish
I wonder if I should walk ahead
Leave this island that serves no purpose to me
Cross this ever changing sea
I have to reach this bit of land
That use to be hard to reach

I'm over all of this negativity
I am over this "woe is me"
I have to keep pushing on
I have to be all I want to be
I can't let the negatives hold me back
I have to keep pushing ahead
I have to build a bridge and get over it
For hard times were not meant to last

Confetti Hearts

Strung along the empty room

Falling from the sky

A piece of a love I thought I knew

A love that floated so high

Up higher than the mountain tops

But love so deep as the sea

Today I drop my confetti hearts

For everyone to see

Unparallelled in pureness

It was once a whole that felt

Abandoned by the others

And so like paper, it did tear

And into tiny little pieces

It so did come to be

Tiny confetti hearts

Which use to be a part of me

"When you make someone your everything you give them the ability to take away everything...So be careful who you give your heart to because if you give it completely you are giving that person the ability to break it into tiny pieces....." -Monica Renata

The Winter March

On the cold steps I said goodbye
As the wind blew through my hair
And I felt my tears freeze up
Because of the winter air
And in that moment
I felt my heart sink
Sink to the deepest low it could go
And I knew I wouldn't see you again
Even though I wanted to see you so

As my feet finally moved forward
I tried hard not to cry
And I remember looking into the sky
And screaming "Why God!" in my mind
My hands started getting colder
As I walked closer to the street
I knew this would be my last time following you
This moment is so bittersweet

I walk and walk and walk
And my feet begin to get numb
Just like how I'm feeling emotionally
I can't be warmed by the morning sun
And I look at that nicely dug patch
And I can't even speak
I never imaged that you would leave
Or ever be separated from me

On this cold winter day I said goodbye
As the wind blew through my hair
I tried hard not to cry
I don't want to believe you are in there
I never thought that this would be a day I would ever see
The day you are laying inside your coffin
Resting in eternal sleep

The Snow Queen

Mirror Mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?
Just look into my eyes
And finally speak
Say what I am thinking
Say it is me!
For I believe I am like the stars
That glisten up above all
And so rare is a beauty like mines
So speak to me mirror
Don't be shy

Mirror Mirror on the wall
It is I once again
And today I stand tall
With confidence and a bit of conceit
For I want you to speak to me!!
Say what I want you to say RIGHT NOW!
I'm the fairest in the land, and I don't know how
But my beauty is hard to reach
I am the most beautiful girl in all the streets

Mirror Mirror on the wall
Who is the fairest of them all?
My heart may be black
But I'm pretty on out
And that's what everyone cares about
I'm a mean girl
But no one can see
Physically I am what many others want to be
Beauty unparrelled
And so profound
I am on a high horse and won't come down

For it has been tattooed in my brain
That the only beauty that matters
Is the one that can be seen
So I will let the rotten reside inside
And only showcase the beauty that they can see radiate from outside


"Sometimes we truly forget about the beauty within........And neglecting that beauty can cause much more pain in the end." -Monica Renata

Brunch

Some call it breakfast
Some call it lunch
I call it food
That I love so much
For I shall never ever see
What the purpose of brunch
Was meant to be

For breakfast occurs when I open my eyes
I head to the kitchen
No matter the time
And I whip up some hash browns and maybe some eggs
And three hours later
I will do the same
But instead of the menu I had before
I will adjust it
Or add some more
And this my friend I will call lunch
For I believe in breakfast and lunch

Combining those meals
Won't be a treat
Because what I love to do
Is eat, Eat, EAT
I have to have my three meals aside
For if they don't happen...
I might die

Some call it breakfast
Some call it lunch
I call it food that I love so much
For I can't combine the two meals you see
And that is why brunch is not for me

Flowers Bloom In Winter Too

Flowers bloom in winter too

Throughout all the ice

They make it through

And even though the birds no longer play

I can hear the melodies in my head

The fragrance I can't wait to smell

I hold it closely

I even stare

So beautiful and yet so true

This lovely flower

I thought only bloomed in June

Flowers bloom in winter too

I'm reminded every time I look at you

Even in bad days

You can always see

The beauty that resides in me

Your hugs I yearn for every day

The smell of your flesh

I can never walk away

So beautiful and yet so true

I am no longer a skeptic

For I can now see it too

Flowers bloom in winter too

"Sometimes the greatest love can blossom from the coldest heart...."  -Monica Renata

Who Are You?

Once I knew you so well
Like how I knew the back of my hand
I knew the curvature of all your features
I always knew where we stand
But today I am uncertain
For I don't know you anymore
I use to know you so well
Before you walked out of that door

I use to know your every thought
Like Mother Nature knew when it would rain
I could look you in the eyes each day
And know each day you were the same
But today I am uncertain
For I don't know you anymore
I use to know you so well
Before you walked out of that door

Each morning we stand face to face
Yet we both don't know
That although we are so close together
We are more farther than we are close
Our hands always still meet
When we reach out our hands
but this change is something that I have yet to understand

You look in the mirror each day
And prepare yourself for your journey
And each time you walk out the door
You are always in a hurry
You seem to change each and every day
Then you come back to me
And you give me that hard look
Just like you have faced defeat

We are identical in nature
Yet we are worlds apart
I am a part of you
But we differ on some parts
I use to know you so much
I used to know you so well
Before you walked out of that door
It seems like the world has changed you
You are now so cold
You smile in my presence
But I can clearly see
That slowly you are changing
From the person you use to be


"Never let the world change you! Everyone wasn't meant to be like everyone else....." -Monica Renata