It's hard for me to express my feelings

It's hard for me to express my feelings
So instead I write them down
I write sad things when I am happy
I write happy things when I frown

It's like I have to be a puzzle
I can't let anyone see
See how I am truly feeling
So I write words so all can see

Because words are something different
They are actually quite unique
They can mean one thing to you...
While also meaning another to me

I could say the wind was blowing
And leaves hit the ground
And to me that represents the tears flowing
And the wind "whooshing" is my cry

I could say the flowers bloomed
And were beautiful for all to see
But actually this represents love
That has finally reached its peak

It's hard for me to express my feelings
So instead I write them down
But alas it solves nothing
And my world keeps tumbling down

I'm Beautiful

I'm Beautiful
By: Monica Renata

I'm beautiful on the inside
Even though you cannot see
My heart is as pure as water
My emotions are true as they can be

I'm beautiful on the outside
Even though I may not get many stares
I have a presence that is undeniable
I sometimes express myself by what I wear

I am very beautiful
On the outside and underneath
I may not be your definition of beautiful
But I am beautiful to me

The Trap

The Trap
By: Monica Renata

Clinging on the mountainside
I watch as you react
You have a look of shock on your face
You don’t know how to act
Your heart is beating fiercely
You tell me “hold on, don’t let go”
You want me in your life completely
You can’t image living your life alone

Clinging on the mountainside
I watch as you react
You reach your hand out to me
But I refuse like a brat
“Why are you doing this?!”
“Give me your hand so we can go!”
But I know that this is a trap
And I can’t do this anymore

I can’t let you rescue me this time
Because what I’m running from is you
I can’t keep going back to you
Even though you are the only one I knew
I can’t allow myself to be broken further
Because I know I will be broken again this time
I can’t keep chasing what makes me happy
If what makes me happy also makes me cry

Clinging on the mountainside
I watch as you react
You have a look of shock on your face
You don’t know how to act
I fell for this too many times
I can no longer fall for this trap

I have to let go of this all
I have to stop neglecting me
I have to find my true freedom
As I float upon the wind

Paper People

If people were like paper

And were made from great big trees

How much would you appreciate them?

How much would their value really mean? 

Would you tattoo their flesh with hearts? 

Would you write lovely words on them? 

Or would you crumble them up and throw them away

Hoping to never see them again? 

If people were like paper

Would you finally be able to see

See how your words affect them?

See the hurt underneath? 

How broken you made them feel? 

How crumbled they are inside? 

If people were like paper

A straight one would be hard to find

For life throws everyone curve balls

And life isn't always sweet

We are constantly straightened out as best as can be

After we overcome a defeat

But the wrinkles in that paper

Will always be there

The stains of the past can't be washed away

Yet they can't be seen by a simple stare

People guard their feelings

With the expressions on their face

No one truly knows the person inside

No one knows what they been through to date

If people were like paper

It would be so neat

Because we could all see that we aren't perfect

Yet we all are still very unique

We could understand that everyone's been hurt

We could see that many have overcame

And the wrinkliest of paper people

Had a lot to overcome

Prettier Than Me

As I stare into the mirror
I can't describe what I see
My vision is so blurry
But I know that ahead is a picture of me

She is just so plain and simple
Not at all unique
No glamour of the movie stars
Not the pearliest of white teeth

Her clothes are somewhat tattered
Worn from years of use
She tries to smile
But suddenly she gets confused

What is there to smile about
There is nothing here to see
Some changes must be made
She has to be the woman you want her to be

So out she pulls her makeup bag
That allows her to doodle away
She starts to prepare everything
And brush makeup on her face

She highlights her eyes
The eyes that she thought you never knew
She paints her lips so carefully
Those lips which always yearned to kiss you

She works on her masterpiece
She even does her hair
She curls it like the girls you like
She wants you to stare

And soon when she is satisfied
She will finally smile
And put down all of her brushes
And begin to dress herself in a new style

All of this for you
Not an ounce of it for me
Yet when I finally reveal myself
It isn't I that you see

Her eyes are so much brighter
Her clothes are so brand new
Her waist is definitely smaller
Her smile is pearly white too

She has just everything
Everything I wanted to be
I wanted to make you happy
But she is prettier than me

Her looks catch your attention
While my looks are just a bore
You ask her out on dates
And it hurts me to the core

My feelings are so hurt
I can't paint on what I am not underneath
I can't even compete
I don't stand a chance
I get it
She's prettier than me

I Understand

Standing face to face

Expressing words that are true to you

I wish you could hear my feelings

I wish that you knew the truth

Telling me what's bothering you

But not knowing what bothers me

I can feel myself fall apart

While I am standing on my two feet

Your words they pierce like daggers

My heart skips a few beats

Your words are stinging each part of me

Killing me softly on repeat

Looking deeply in my eyes

You want to make sure your words are known

You ask for my response

You say you can't do this anymore

I say I understand

But that is not quite true

For every time I say that

I am just trying not to disappoint you

I say I understand

But in my mind I wonder still

I can't seem to take all of this in

But I have no choice but to swallow this pill

I say I understand

But I wish you would school me

On how you are really feeling

About where you wish you could be

I can't comprehend the worse

I refuse to crush the bit of hope in my hand

I don't understand what you want right now

But I will say

I understand

In The Corner

And In that corner I so sat
As I let love pass me by
Drifting away into a deep sleep
Calming myself with lullabies

Trying to tame my trembling heart
Trying to make sense of what it's been through
Slowing taking out the shards of glass
That were placed there by you

You who had my heart completely
You who made me complete
You who made my heart beat fiercely
You who decided to retreat

Of all the love I had bursting inside
And the love you had to turn out not be so true
But I have to pull myself together
I have to get over you

Drifting away in that corner
Waiting for my mind to sleep
I shall rest easy once you aren't on my mind
For I need my inner peace

I Missed The Bus

I missed the bus again today
It just went  passing by
I got a whiff of the black smoke
I got dirt in my eyes

I missed the bus again today
It is now on the next street
Waiting to  pick up its next passengers
Waiting for everyone but me

I missed the bus again today
Just like I did last time
I think I have to be more alert
And stop letting opportunities pass me by

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Cliche Love Poem

Cliché Love Poem

By: Monica Renata

If I knew a billion words

If I knew the right words to say

I would tell you exactly how much you take my breath away

If I had a nice big raincoat

If I had a boat to sail the sea

I would tell you that I would cross the oceans for you to be with you always

If I could pick some flowers

If I could recite their colors too

I would tell you roses are red, and so are my cheeks when I see you

For when I’m without you I feel as if I can’t breathe

For I can’t image my world without you

To find you I would cross the many seas

You are the brightest flower in the bunch

You are the one who I choose

And I love that you love me for me

So here is what else I would do

If you wanted a bowl of cereal

If there was no milk in the fridge

I would run to the store across the street to see you smile like a kid

If you were caught in the storming rain

If you tripped in a puddle and messed up your shoes

I would have a warm pair of clothes ready for you and also a bowl of warm soup

If you were having a bad day

If you felt like the world was against you

I will be your number one fan, and let you know that your special!

Oh the many things I would do

To express my love for you

I guess there are many ways I can “Do” what I always say

I love you, I love you, I love you

Five

Five

By: Monica Renata

Five is the magic number

That connects us once again

To take my five and then your five

And intertwine them in an embrace

Powers begins to exchange between us

We each hold on tight

And then you grab your other arm

And connect my other five to your five

So much energy between us

We never want to let go

Moments I wish could last forever

Moments I feel through my soul

Just your hand within my hand

Brings tears trickling down my face

I feel something deep within

You have left a memory that can’t be erased

Stone-faced Soldier

Stone-faced Soldier

By: Monica Renata

Bullets going everywhere

Bombs are in close sight

So much devastation around

Gunpowder is drowning out the light

Death around as far as the eye can see

No sign of peace close by

There is no need to try to hide

For you can’t escape even if you close your eyes

The cries of other men

Become too much to bear

But in order to accept reality

Obtained is the stone-faced stare

Face no longer blushed with red

Breathing is as normal as can be

The mouth doesn't form a frown

Nor does it smile or show its teeth

Void of all emotions

No joys celebrated in life

Disappointments don’t exist

A mere spectator of others lives

Life is a battlefield

So many are afraid to get hurt

Instead of wearing their heart on their sleeve

They trample their own hearts like dirt

For what is the point of exposing a thing

That at times is fragile and breaks

Emotion dies within their soul

And they develop that Stone-face

They won’t show an ounce of emotion

They won’t show exactly how they feel

For they are a stone-faced soldier

And life is their battlefield

Marching on in life

Not caring what others may feel or speak

For they live life unconnected

And sit on the bench of life while others are out on the field

“Do not let the fear of getting your feelings hurt hold you back from living! When you decide not to live your life, you will end up watching others live theirs.”  – Monica Renata 

You, I love YOU

You, I love YOU

By: Monica Renata

You

You make me happy

You make me smile from ear to ear

You make me feel so secure

When I am having a bad day all I have to think of is YOU and then I will feel better.

You

You have the loveliest laugh

You are so caring

You are the reason I know what love is

When I doubt that love exists all I have to do is look at you to be assured that it exists and it radiates brightly from within YOU.

You

You are so special to me

You have so many imperfections which make you perfect in my eyes

You are the type of person I always dreamed of meeting

When I think of my future I can’t think of living it without YOU………………..

You

You are the greatest person I have ever met

You make me happier than I have ever been

You mean so much more to me than you think

And that’s why

I Love YOU!

Best Served Cold

Best Served Cold

By: Monica Renata

The dish they say is best served cold

That dagger stained with hate

The vicious look in your big bright eyes

That look of disgust on your face

To wish upon someone’s demise

Yet not utter a single word to speak

But someday you will get them back

For then, you will let your actions speak

Heart beating fiercely

No one sings kumbaya 

Palms are getting sweaty

Trust in mankind is gone

A hearty soup that’s been iced down

A serving of maggoty cheese

Revenge is a dish best served cold

And so revolting that no one can eat

To wish upon someone’s demise

Yet not utter a single word to speak

But someday you will get them back

For then, you will let your actions speak

An aged knife I found in the house

A conscious that no longer thinks

I shall embark on my revenge

Cold Blooded is what they will call me

To wipe away your past sins

With your very own blood

The killer will never think he murders

For revenge is all he knows

Time Waits

Time Waits 

By: Monica Renata

They say time waits for no man

Yet I think that is not true

For time always waits for me

While I am waiting for you

In the frigid storms of winter

In the sea which is overcome by powerful waves

I feel time freeze for an everlasting moment

Whenever I see your face

And in that moment I realize that I have loved

Like I never loved before

The coldness we once encountered doesn’t seem so cold anymore

The waves have finally stopped and I can finally walk through

Walk through my sea of emotions

So that I can get close to you

They say time waits for no man….

Yet I slightly disagree

For every time I see your face

I feel as if this is our first meet

Such a beautiful spirit

Such a extraordinary soul

Time will wait for us to get it right

And our love shall never grow old

Lost Heart

The heart goes through many journeys
Just like feathers in the wind
Twirling round and round endlessly
Never truly finding a true end

To love one day so passionately
And the next day that love grows cold
Yet still beating with such vigor
Never truly neglecting the old

Heart still filled with love
But that love is tainted within
Trying to differentiate through all that has gone on
But the brain might someday win

Thinking about the wrongs
Yet killing each beat of love with each thought
The heart goes through many journeys
And I believe this time it has gotten lost

Hope in Perfection

No one is perfect…. Yet we all strive to be…

But what is perfection?

It seems as if no one can truly explain it…

But they say the following:

“If I could do this then I would be perfect…”

“If I lost this bit of weight, I would be perfect…”

“If I changed this about myself…then….. I will be perfect”

Perfect - having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.

I guess it all comes down to what you think…. Do you think you are good enough? Are you what you desire to be? Are you happy with yourself?...

Many times the dissatisfaction we feel in areas of our life is due to others. Sometimes people tell us we aren't good enough, and we believe them. We believe them without even questioning what “Good Enough” actually is. I remember an old teacher use to say that “Everyone is perfect in their own way”. At the time I heard this, I believed her. I was probably like 5 or 6 years old, and in Kindergarten, and I believed her….

It wasn't until years later that I started doubting her words. I would have so many critique my life. I would hear so many negative words. I would see so much on tv and in magazines that basically told me “you are not perfect”……..And soon the hope I had inside me slowly died……….

Hope………that little light that radiates from the tiny candle within yourself goes dark……..But can it be restored? The truth is, that light inside of you never dies, it may go dim, but it never dies……When I learned this, then I was able to realize who I really was………Who I really am………..

When people talk negatively about you

Do not let their words harm you

When people do not believe in you

Never stop believing in yourself

When no one wants to accompany you on your path

Walk it alone, for sometimes greatness is found on paths no one else wanted to take

You are perfect in your own way………Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I wish I would have listened to my teacher back then………because then, I never would have doubted it.  Perfection isn't unattainable. It is practically being the best you that “you can possibly be”… And sure you can get better……..Everyone can……But in order to keep getting better, you have to keep hope alive. Always believe in yourself. Don’t let others get you down. Let your inner light shine so brightly that it blinds those standing thousands of miles away. Be yourself for

You are beautiful,

You are courageous,

You are important,

You are talented,

You are powerful,

You are giving,

You are perfect,

And most importantly

You are Someone Special……..

-Monica Renata 

Sticky Situations

Bubble gum between my fingers
Stuck together like glue
I'm in a sticky situation
I don't know if I can break through

Dripping lot hot candle wax
From my eyes my feelings flow
Happiness is seconds away
But which way do I go

I'm in a sticky situation
I just don't know if I can break through
I have to decide where I want to be
But which way do I go? 

North to face my deepest fears
East to what I have always known
West to where my hearts resides
South to where others think I should go....

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
Are sometimes so hard to make
I cry not because I'm sad
But because I'm happy with the decision I'm about to make


"Never be afraid to follow your true path in life..... Sometimes we have to stop being afraid of the possibility of failure and go where we always dreamed we would be.... " - Monica Renata 

Winter Storm

I remember when the snow fell light

And it landed on the ground

This rarely happened in my neighborhood

So I was happy and I smiled

I remember when that snow turned to hail

And then feel upon my face

It wasn’t as soft as the snow was

But I was still happy it came

I remember when that hail turned to hail stones

And I finally had to run for cover

I watched in amazement while in my house

And I went watch from the window while wrapped in my covers

Soon the snow came harder

And the stones continued to fall

I watched myself get blocked in

And I no longer could do anything at all

I remember when he said he loved me

I was happy and I smiled

And I remember when he left

But he came back

And I was happy, so I smiled

But now it is just a storm

And I have tried to run but cannot hide

I can be honest with him and tell him how I feel

But it seems like he doesn’t get it inside

Why would someone want something

That they decided to throw away

Why would someone hold on to something

In hopes of having it one day

Why say you love someone

When you look in their face and constantly lie

And why shed a single tear

When I tell you I am tired of trying.

I remembered when it snowed that day.

I remember how I felt.

I was in love and I was blinded by some petty things

I was blinded by how I felt

When it began to hail I still watched in amazement

Because I wanted to believe it couldn’t be that bad

And when the hail stones started to drop

I ran for cover but I still was there

I eventually became trapped, and I was alone

And I was hiding from the truth

And we all know the truth can open scary doors

It opened the door to the real you

As time went on my heart grew cold

And I could say this is because of you

But now I treat you,

How you always treated me

And now you tell me you feel used

But that is something I can't see...

And now you show emotion

But my heart is cold and your tears don’t faze me

For now I am frozen

And you are a distant memory

I run into you time from time

And you are but a stranger to me

You give me a hug you buy a gift

But it doesn't mean anything to me at all

You call me and I pick up

And you just hear me breathe on the phone

You want me to show an ounce of feeling

But I packed those up long ago

But the moral of the story is

Don’t take advantage of a real love

Cause if someone really loves you

So loves with all their heart and soul

And yeah they say the first wound

Is always the one that cuts deep

But never throw away something

That you always thought you would keep

Because people get feed up at times

And yes, they do move on

But when someone loses all emotion for you

You basically do not exist in their world

So treat your partner right

And hold on to what you got

Cause a person can only take so much

Until they decide to shut you completely out

Are You Living?

Life.

It is so beautiful

Yet it is one of the things we really don't appreciate

The smell of morning dew

The sound of the wind blowing

All seem to be so insignificant until they go away

Today 

You woke up

You are breathing

But are you living? 

Think about what makes you smile

Think about what makes you sing

Think about the kindness others showed you

Think about all you say

Are you living life for yourself? 

Are you living for others? 

Are you trying to please your friends? 

Are you trying to please your mother? 

Life is so beautiful

Life is more than just finding a mate

Life is about living for you

Life is about living 

But what is living to you? 

Is living waking up each morning and going to bed each night? 

Is living completing tasks and trying to progress in areas of your life? 

Is living trying to make it into a better situation than you were born into?

Is living being completely and utterly happy? 

Open your eyes, and truly look within yourself. Are you happy with where you are now? Are you happy with your life? If the answer is 'Yes' then I congratulate you. However, if the answer is 'No', I would like to ask you why? If you aren't happy about something fix it. It is that simple. The truth is, your life can be actually anything that you wish it to be. All you have to do is believe that your life is worth living, and if you really do believe that it will soon become a fact. To live life......Like truly live life, you must live for yourself. Just like the milk in the fridge, you have a limited amount of time to do everything you want to do before you go bad. Your time is so precious, so don't waste it trying to do what OTHERS what you to do. Do What You Want with your life. 

Don't let others opinions sway you from where you truly want to be. 

Don't let others dreams become your own, and neglect yours. 

Don't live for someone else.....Live for you.

Life.

It is so beautiful

Yet it is one of the things we really don't appreciate

We don't appreciate life until we only have a few grains of sand left in our hourglass

We don't appreciate life until we realize that we have wasted years trying to please others

We don't appreciate life until we realize we have exhausted so much time

We don't appreciate life until we are looking death in the face

Too many times people lie on their death beds and think about what they wished they would have done. But I don't want you to be like that. Live life for yourself. If you want to run a marathon, go run a marathon. If you want to write a book, write a book! If you want to be the best part on earth, do it!!! If you want to dress up and be a ninja for the day, you better dress up and be the best ninja around!!! Do what makes you happy!! Do what you love!! Have no regrets!!! Smile in your struggles and make it through your failures because in the end at least you went after what you wanted. 

 And that my friend is what I would call Living..... 

So start living today... Do what makes you happy and stop letting those little birds of negativity tweet in your ear. Stop letting your fears hold you back. Stop putting aside your happiness, because you are afraid to hurt others feelings....because in the end you will regret it.

Today 

You woke up

You are breathing

But are you living? 

If not.... I really hope that you start soon :)

-Monica Renata

Sneaky Sara

Sneaky Sneaky Sara
Thinks that I don't know
She always in my business
She always wants to know

Know what I am doing
Know all whom I speak too
Sneaky Sara follows me
Like my favorite pair of shoes

Sneaky Sneaky Sara
Thinks that I don't know
So she covers up her footprints
But I still will know

Sara is so very sneaky
And she calls herself my friend
She thinks I don't know about this
So I guess I will continue to pretend

Bojo The Bandit

They called him Bojo the Bandit

His teeth were yellow and green 

His hair was wild and very unkempt

His clothes weren't all that clean

He was always quite

And I could never hear his feet

He always took the pretty things

When everyone was asleep

They called him Bojo the Bandit

He liked to steal many things

He stole moms new dinette set

He stole moms fancy rings

If it wasn't glued down 

He would take it

He just loved to take all things

And he also told me every day

"You should never want to be me"

They called him Bojo the Bandit

But I still don't understand

For Bojo was the man who I always called my dad

He took everything from my Mom

He took it while she was sleep

I guess this is the thing that is called divorce

So I won't speak a peep

For I'm afraid of the next thing he will take....

Perhaps it will be me